i feel kind of numb again. i think that when things started going well emotionally i couldn’t even believe it, because for a long time i’d felt like there was no way i was going to get better in the foreseeable future, but i did. then i completely stopped thinking about my emotions, it wasn’t that i didn’t have time, i just think i needed a break from thinking about that stuff. now i feel like i’m really slipping. i get frustrated with things too fast, i have trouble sleeping and eating. i most of all don’t want a repeat of last time, but part of what’s making me sad even now is dread for that.
as i’m writing this, i’m trying to explain to myself why this is happening, and there are things that aren’t going perfectly in my life, but nothing major, so much so that it’s kind of embarrassing to write what is happening, because it’s just such white people problems. but this blog is for embarrassing stuff, so here go reasons: i’m a lot slower of a runner than in previous years, a boy, and general boredom despite reading a lot and seeing friends.
the second reason is especially disturbing because i hadn’t really been worried about relationships or any such thing for a while, but several days ago this guy who i kind of knew a while ago and i ran into eachother and went on a date that same night. he’s 21. i’m 17. no big deal, though he seemed a little uneasy right when we first re-met, it wasn’t an issue, and i had the impression that the date went really well. he’s cute, he’s six foot two, and, most importantly, he’s not boring. now, for some reason probably quite interconnected with my self esteem issues, i don’t ever ask for people’s numbers. instead, i wait for them to text me, and until they do, i agonize over whether they hate me and think i’m an ugly troll. in this case, i did this for four days, until he texted me (asking for my pardon for lateness) telling me that he didn’t think it would work out because of the age difference.
if i were a more well-adjusted person, i might have taken his not texting me as a sign that it wasn’t going to work out, and that it was probably for the best (after all, he wasn’t that cute). or, at least once he texted me and explained, i would’ve taken that at face value. but since i am not a particularly well adjusted person, i agonized prior to his texting me about how he must have not liked me at all, and continued to do so after, thinking that the age thing was just an excuse to get out of ever having to talk to me again.
now, these things are certainly possible, but the question remains, why do i even care? it was, after all, just one date. the answer is, obviously, that i’m a fairly pathetic person. i need validation, even from people i don’t even care about terribly much. i can say that this thing with this guy was most likely not going to work out because we don’t really have that much in common, not only in terms of life, but also in terms of interests. for example, he doesn’t read, and instead watches movies, which i mildly disapprove of. also, my obnoxiously encyclopedic knowledge of geese among other things could get annoying. but none of this is of concern to my emotional brain, which only cares that this person ‘rejected’ me.
anyway, the upshot is that this really has little to do with this guy and a lot to do with my ridiculousness, and that i need to work it out and stop ruminating about this.
i don’t know if i need this blog right now. i’m getting better. i think maybe partly because i wrote it down. i haven’t had one of those days where i’ve just laid in bed, paralyzed by my emotions, not wanting to be there or anywhere but incapable of doing anything about it.
as a kid, i often desperately wanted to fit in with the cool kids at my school, but as much then as now, popularity was an ideal with no logical steps to achievement.
i was an unhappy child. i think it’s because i often realized truths about life before i was emotionally ready to deal with them. i read a lot of eastern mystic texts. i read things that i could understand, but that i took too literally. i thought i was a saint for a while, and even thought of founding my own religion (all before age 10 when i became and stayed an atheist).
i always did what i set my mind to; but the results were often mixed. i was extremely regimented. i set schedules by the minute, and they looked a lot like the one nick caraway is presented by gatsby’s father. this at times devolved into eating disorder. as i write this, i realize that one of the things i have gained in the past three years is a hugely broader perspective. even though i’m more unhappy than i may ever have been in the past few months, i can at least grasp it. not to say that i’m at all emotionally mature, but i at least have a clearer understanding of the things around me if not those inside of me.
hi, hello, how are you?
how was your day?
how was your weekend?
how was your life?
how was your life that you live without me?
how was your life outside this bubble?
hi, hello, who are you to everyone else?